It is true that BDSM play has entered the mainstream culture through film, literature, music, fashion, but little has done a great job at educating the world about how to (safely) practice BDSM.
But as we are all aware, it is worthwhile to sift through misunderstandings in order to discover the truth when confronting stigma and personal bias. The opportunity for more self-assurance, expanded self-awareness, and elevated connection is at the other end.
Although you might want to dive right in, it's crucial to master some fundamentals first for everyone's safety. We discuss key guidelines, starting point advice, and how to bring it up with a partner below.
What is BDSM?
BDSM stands for bondage/discipline, submission/dominance, and sadism/masochism. These categories refer to a wide array of kinks and erotic practices.
Practicing BDSM is about a lot more than the act of having sex. In fact, “a BDSM scene” may not involve sex or, even touching, at all. You’ll find that many of the common themes — power dynamics, pain, humiliation, the taboo — are psychological in nature.
If you’re thinking that sounds intense, don’t worry! It’s completely up to you how deep you want to get and how far you want to go with something. In BDSM, enthusiastic consent is paramount: you and only you decide how you want things to go.
This is a very basic description of what the BDSM subcategories mean. And remember, every aspect of these types of play is consensual and talked about beforehand.
- Bondage/discipline. Bondage refers to someone being physically restrained. Discipline refers to a set of rules and punishment, usually enforced by the dominant partner onto the submissive.
- Submission/dominance. Sub/dom play is when one person, the sub (or bottom) permits the dom (or top) to essentially be in charge. This may be an agreement you make for one night of play or it may be a 24/7 arrangement.
- Sadism/masochism. Sadism is the enjoyment of doling out pain. Masochism is the enjoyment of receiving pain. If you like both? Well, that’s what we call a sadomasochist.
The BDSM Dictionary
With all distinctive cultures come an expansive vocabulary! This is by no means an exhaustive list but it’ll give you a start on BDSM DICTIONARY.
| Aftercare |
a post-scene ritual intended to help the dominant and submissive wind down and check in |
|---|---|
| Breath control play |
restriction of oxygen to increase pleasure (i.e. choking, asphyxiation) |
| Chastity |
denial of a partner to have sex and/or masturbate — sometimes devices are used to ensure chastity (cock cages or chastity belts) |
| Collared/collaring |
worn to indicate someone’s status as a submissive (collaring can indicate belonging to a dominant, and to some is seen as the ultimate level of commitment) |
| Cuckold/Cuckquean |
a man masc person who enjoys watching their femme partner have sex with someone in front of them / a woman who gets off watching her man have sex with another woman |
| Dom/domme/dominant |
the partner who leads the power dynamic in a dominant/submissive scene |
| Edgeplay |
bringing a partner to the brink of orgasm, but not letting them orgasm |
| Fetish |
intense sexualization of an act, object or scenario |
| Golden showers | the act of a partner urinating on another |
| Hard limits |
limits that never will be negotiable |
| Leather |
a subset of BDSM culture dictated by leather-wearing practices |
| Pegging |
refers to a woman/femme identifying person having anal sex with a man/masc identifying person, typically with a strap-on |
| Playspace |
an area designated for a scene or BDSM play |
| Risk aware consensual kink |
an alternative to SSC (below), as the term is disliked in the community for it’s ableist language (RACK also argues that kink isn’t ever safe, but that those that participate acknowledge the risks) |
| Safe, sane, consensual (SSC) |
a BDSM philosophy dictating the pillars of BDSM play |
| Safeword |
a word or physical cue meant to end play |
| Subspace |
a mental space submissive’s can go through in the middle of a scene; it’s often considered “dreamy” or “floaty” like a high |
| Switch |
a partner who can be dominant or submissive |
| Topping from the bottom |
a bottom/submissive telling their top/dominant what to do to them |
BDSM Guidelines
1. Avoid Using Drugs and Alcohol
Alcohol, drugs, and BDSM don't mix well. Everyone affected is at risk for their safety. Giving consent may become difficult or impossible while intoxicated, and decision-making may become clouded.
Additionally, if you feel the need to use drugs or alcohol in order to engage in these activities, you probably need to do some inner work before you're ready to dive in. For help sorting out your sentiments around BDSM, think about speaking with a therapist or simply a reliable friend.
2. Talk about How it will Go Beforehand
In BDSM, this is referred to as the negotiation and is necessary for all forms of play. Here, you can specify what is acceptable to you and what is not. The risk of physical or emotional harm increases when we engage in these activities, so being clear about your boundaries is crucial.
Before you get into things, start out slowly and consult with your sexual partner. According to writer and sex expert Almara Abgarian, talk can frequently be a turn-on in and of itself. Discuss the various aspects you want to try, which role you want to hold and then try your way forward. You might find that what you like is something completely unexpected.
3. Give and Get Consent throughout BDSM Play
Consent is, of course, the most critical component of BDSM play.
You must ensure that every act is consented due to the intensity of BDSM play and the actual mental and physical hazards associated with many types of play.
Many of these things will take place during the negotiation, but you should also check in with your partner between BDSM scenes.
Never assume that anything will always be okay just because it was once; constantly be in communication!
Asking for consent doesn’t have to be formal, it can be part of the dirty talk flow. Like this:
- “Your ass looks so good. Is it OK if I spank you?”
- “Do you like it when I hold your legs down like that?”
- “Can I turn you over and touch you from behind?”
4. BDSM Safe Word
This word signals your partner that you want to stop. It needs to be different than “no” because depending on the type of play, begging or saying no may be part of the exchange.
The stoplight system is frequently used to include check-ins. Red indicates stop, yellow warning, and green indicates go.
If you're using gags or breath play, it's crucial to have a nonverbal safe word in addition to a spoken safe word. Perhaps these are hand signals, foot stamps, or hand taps à la wrestling.
5. Conclude BDSM Play with Aftercare
A crucial component of BDSM play is aftercare. which involves partners unwinding together after the experience. Impact play, dom/sub interaction, and other BDSM elements can be very intense.
You experience a huge endorphin rush and occasionally even an adrenaline rush!
The come-down, though, can be severe.
Aftercare is an effort to lessen that, frequently through hugging, tidying up, or simply pondering on the scenario.
Aftercare is different for everyone and should be discussed between partners before BDSM scenes begin.
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